This Evening.

Sitting in my living room tonight listening to Spinning by Elephant Revival surrounded by dogs and meditating, marinating, contemplating this coming summer.

For me summer begins this Friday. It marks the first of seventy days of freedom. I want to celebrate it and so I am going to go climb the highest mountain in New England. I think I’ll bring the husky, I think he can take it. Most likely, anyway. Maybe I’ll go alone.

Looking at pictures of Jacks and thinking how good that dog was. So good. The best. He once chased a seagull out past the lobster boats at Kettle Cove, and he was so good I knew he would come back. He hiked every damn mountain with me. Every. Damn. Mountain.

I feel hesitant to bring the husky because he’s young and stupid and doesn’t listen but he does try. I do this a lot in life… previous expectations from others get transcribed onto my currents and that’s just unfair, y’know? My cat, Miss B, she’s fourteen and so good and patient but the kittens are assholes but they’re kittens, so shouldn’t they be assholes at least for a little while?

This year really was an accomplishment overall in my eyes. I didn’t get caught up in the blue, icy, wintery depression I typically do. I have been consistently working out. I chopped all my damn hair off because it was falling out because I can’t be content with what I had, which is brown hair, so I bleached the fuck out of it and I had to cut it which is shockingly a victory because it finally feels pretty healthy. I taught many students. I saw three of my favorite students graduate, one of which I’m fairly certain wouldn’t have without me. I got a new tattoo. I hiked some mountains.

But there was something lacking this year. I think it was poetry or art or beauty or the ocean in the middle of the night in July with fireflies surrounding me with the smell of sea roses in my nose or it was perhaps not as many adventures as I would have liked. And who’s fault is that? Mine, of course. Mine for sure.

And so here I am listening now to Mumford’s Wilder Minds and thinking about the things I plan to do this summer and feeling more and more excited about it. I promise myself I will have adventures. I will be adventurous. I will figure out a way to do some things I haven’t done before and frankly it’s been a long time coming and I can’t wait.

All these goddamn run-on sentences and I’m feeling like Holden Caulfield but it feels quite right tonight. I’m four days away from some Stuff. Not sure what, but Stuff.

Love

-J

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