Song of the Week: Shiksa Goddess from The Last Five Years (Musical)

I’m breaking my mother’s heart.
The longer I stand looking at you,
The more I hear it splinter and crack
From ninety miles away.

I’m breaking my mother’s heart.
The JCC of Spring Valley is shaking
And crumbling to the ground,
And my grandfather’s rolling,
Rolling in his grave.

If you had a tattoo, that wouldn’t matter.
If you had a shaved head, that would be cool.
If you came from Spain or Japan
Or the back of a van–
Just as long as you’re not from Hebrew school–
I’d say “Now I’m getting somewhere!
I’m finally breaking through!”
I’d say “Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess!
I’ve been waiting for someone like you.”

I’ve been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica Weiss
And the Handelman twins.
I’ve been waiting through Heather Greenblatt, Annie Mincus,
Karen Pincus and Lisa Katz.
And Stacy Rosen, Ellen Kaplan,
Julie Silber and Janie Stein.
I’ve had Shabbas dinners on Friday nights
With ev’ry Shapiro in Washington Heights,
But the minute I first saw you
I could barely catch my breath.
I’ve been standing for days with the phone in my hand,
Like an idiot, scared to death.
I’ve been wand’ring through the desert!
I’ve been beaten, I’ve been hit!
My people have suffered for thousands of years
And I don’t give a shit!

If you had a pierced tongue, that wouldn’t matter.
If you once were in jail or you once were a man,
If your mother and your brother had “relations” with each other
And your father was connected to the Gotti clan,
I’d say, “Well, nobody’s perfect!”
It’s tragic but it’s true.
I’d say “Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess!
I’ve been waiting for someone like…”

You, breaking the circle,
You, taking the light.
You, you are the story I should write–
I have to write!

If you drove an R.V., that wouldn’t matter!
If you like to drink blood, I think it’s cute.
If you’ve got a powerful connection to your firearm collection,
I say, Draw a bead and shoot!
I’m your Hebrew slave, at your service!
Just tell me what to do!
I say, Hey hey hey hey!
I’ve been waiting for someone,
I’ve been praying for someone,
I think that I could be in love with someone
Like you!

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